Grace in the Chaos

I am not perfect. I like to pretend I am. I am very good at putting on a smile making sure what you see is what I want you to see. I am a people pleaser and somewhere along the way became very disillusioned that this was how you were supposed to be. Put on the big smile Whit, fake it till you make it. Don’t let them see you upset Whit.  Can I be honest it is exhausting and I am trying to hold myself to a standard I cannot meet. Then when I don’t feel awesome I hide my feelings mostly in the chocolate I find nearby or the drive thru milkshake (another post for another day). Then in my crazy mind I breakdown because why can’t I be perfect, why is my house seemingly always a wreck, why did I just binge eat, why did I just snap at my husband when I just walked in the door, and why are my kids constantly fighting with each other? Another failure and reason I suck at being a wife and mom I tell myself over and over. Then there is social media which feels like it is beating my up with all these expectations for us to be an awesome wife and parent like everyone else is. It doesn’t help that we all post things is such a way that we hide showing only what we want others to see, something seemingly perfect. Even I do this, I mean my husband is not always Mr. wonderful, my kiddos though adorable are not always angels. We do not post the pictures of the overflowing sink full of dishes from last night or our children screaming the whole time in Target’s checkout line they didn’t get something, or us for that matter downright losing it on our husbands because we have had enough today and they just left the toilet seat up for the hundredth time in the middle of the night. Nope we can’t be that honest. At night while I lay in bed scrolling through  my Facebook and Instagram  feeds looking at the small glimpses into other people’s lives I find myself somewhat jealous that they seem to have it all together. Newsflash they don’t. At some point I asked myself, who am I trying to please whose opinion really matters? Well for me apparently everyone, especially the people I work with, the stranger at Target, the people at our church, my family you name it they somehow have been allowed to have a hold in my life and what I feel because I gave that control to them. My family and close friends by far know I am not perfect and I do not have it all together. My life is like my house the rooms may look pretty and put together but don’t open the closets. So today I decided lets open the closets of my heart and turn a new leaf try to stop putting on the show and be real. Life is hard enough without the added pressures on myself, self-loathing, and trying to perfect in the eyes of everyone else .  My life is flying by in weeks that are blended and I have lost track of. Let’s stop pretending we have it all together and find grace in the chaos. Being a mom who works full time with two four your olds and a husband who is a full time commuting grad student,my life is not easy.  It is hard, it is fast, it is often not pretty and it is definitely crazy. I need to find grace in my failings. During this season of Easter we are reminded of the hope given to us through Christ’s death and resurrection. He died so that we might have grace and live life more abundantly. Not held captive by our fears, failings and hurts. That grace gives me freedom, freedom from the unrealistic expectations. This is grace that covers me when I am not the nicest person to those I love and when I lose it with my kids after a long day of constant bickering. Some days require more grace than others but I am so tired of pretending it is all ok when sometimes it is not. I am tired of feeling I can’t ask for help or admit I need it because I have to look like I can to do it all. I am especially tired of letting what others think or might think of me have control over my view of myself. I am tired of saying yes to things that I don’t have the time and energy for just because I don’t want to make someone else feel bad. I am tired of holding silent grudges that lead to bitterness that eats at me because someone hurt me. Not only must I receive grace but give it. So there you have it-I am not perfect, I am not always happy, and I do not have it together. However, you will still see me smile because I have received grace upon grace and in Christ I am made complete and He will sustain my days- especially the crazy ones. I choose to view myself as grace covered striving to be more like Him- full of joy, patience, humility, slow to anger, love, peace, self-control, faithfulness, and kindness. A long list I won’t be able to achieve on my own but by taking it one day, hour, and some days each minute at a time covered in grace I can be more like Him. So I am trying to be more transparent receiving grace and giving grace to others. No one said life would be easy but it is hard enough without the added pressure of the need to fit into an image I will never achieve. So here is to loving and living life covered in grace.

We had a wonderful Christmas. We stayed in North Carolina this year and my family came up to spend Christmas with us. James and Jackson were so much fun this year no matter what they opened they said “Oh thank you just what I wanted” with just a much excitement as if everything was a toy. 5 days with my family was really short but we are so thankful they made the journey to be with us this holiday season. Santa was very good to the boys. James got his Thomas Christmas and Jackson got his Veggietales Christmas. We started the day off skyping Nana and face timing with Bob’s family while we opened presents. Then Dad and I made Christmas lunch. The afternoon consisted of Kaitlyn and I putting together the boys new toddler beds while Dad and the boys played with their new “Polar Express” remote control train set (The boys were obsessed with The Polar Express this Christmas season). We really did have a great relaxed Christmas. It was fun to play host for the first time for family Christmas too mixing old and new traditions. I am so thankful it was possible for us all to be together though we missed Bobs family this year.